Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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