Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
