you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
