You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
oh god was she eating orange peels again
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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