Did I show you my penis last night?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
