I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
