mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
