Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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