why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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