She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
