I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
