i may or may not be watching the land before time
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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