Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
