Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
