remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
