Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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