Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
