Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
