why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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