My friends, they love my intelligence
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
