If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize