Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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