the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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