You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
