Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
