Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize