I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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