Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
