Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
