At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
