We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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