Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
