your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
