Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize