"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
