if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
