Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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