Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
