True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
