Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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