I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
