Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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