We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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