you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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