Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
