All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
