It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
