he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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