where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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