Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
