I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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