If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize