I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
