My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
