I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
